replay + replay

sleeeeeepy. it's felt like a long week

all I can think about right now is music. FUCK YOU by ISSBROKIE AND BLCKK. I can't stop listening to it. 

anyway here's my January in music. all of these songs were ones that i had some level of obsession with. I don't know what that is, that feeling when you happen upon a song you like, and you maybe let a couple go by and realize you simply must relisten to it. and then again. and relisten again. 

blue eye shadow + pink skirts

I'm finding Amy from Amyl and the Sniffers just such a fashion icon recently. which means i'm fighting demons trying to dress professionally for work since she's about bikinis and shorts. But I wore some blue eye shadow and pink lipstick. & my hair does veer towards mullet sometimes since I trim the damaged bits shorter. 

I clearly enjoy fashion. I watch a lot of runway videos and also red carpet styling videos. And I've found some interesting inspirations for my own fashion. Recently I'd been finding lots of inspiration from Felix and Hyunjin (...previously posted about ballcaps...). And in the summer I had a brief but impactful fling with Lou Sander's fashion, specifically from the show Last One Laughing.

if you're wondering how, it was t-shirts tucked into pink skirts + a pink lip and sneakers

Continued working on the song. I think I've been getting weirder and weirder with music as I go on. at some point i might get good.

remembering + earwigs + punk

I really sobbed a lot watching episode 22 of Neon Genesis Evangelion. it wrecked me. 

The lines:

No! Stop making me remember all that!

I finally forgot it, so don't dig it up again!

I don't need those horrible things anymore!

That's when I broke. 

And the door imagery 

It's in moments like these that I know my brain has been trying to protect me, and that's frightening in itself. because I do not want to know. I never want to know. 

And before all that, I wrote some lyrics for what I think will be the final song on my "Bug Sluts" EP. It's inspired by earwigs. 

something like this so far (so vulgar, i know):

I skitter round the rim

you feel me settle in

lift up a blade of grass

and I'll tuck right in your ass

Dig, dig, dig,

Earwig, wig, wig

and even before that, I was listening to the album Free LSD by OFF! (I cannot believe I had never listened to them before, ya know, loving Circle Jerks)
Time Will Come and Circuitry's God are quite good

My morning music was Amyl and the Sniffers, especially Jerkin' (a sample of lyrics below)

You're a dumb cunt, you're an asshole

Every time you talk, you mumble, grumbles

Need to wipe your mouth after you speak

'Cause it's an asshole, bum hole, dumb cunt

neocities + bugs + idles

didn't have the best day at work today, but at home i played around with Neocities. I've been thinking about it for maybe two weeks now. 

I made two bug cursors and animated a bug on my enter page

I only have the enter page so far: https://jennyfern.neocities.org/

Listened to a lot of Idles today. Had Mother in my brain when I woke up. 

I'm feeling very inspired by Neocities generally. 

erosion + pitch shift

Feeling that feeling of wanting easy dopamine. 

Alas, I don't have anything to do that for me so I'll have to let it dribble in like usual. 

Evangelion is at this point very stressful and disturbing, but it is still amazing and I'm very glad to be able to experience watching it for the first time with a full adult brain. 

I've been sleeping poorly, my stomach is in shambles, and i think I have eczema starting up on my hands. I think it's the effect of living through the daily erosion of democracy. 

I am pleased to say that even after some weeks, I am still generally happy with the music I've made. I know I'm not a singer nor a musician, really, but i think I have taste. and if I like what I've made, that's important to me. 

I uploaded a version of Crickets last night so I could listen to it in the context of other music (and my own music) and there was something about the vocals that wasn't hitting right. So I added a + 2 semitone pitch shift with a little less than 50% mix. I've posted that and need to figure out if that solves the issue. 

i also worked on the single artwork

It uses some works from Smithsonian Open Access (one of my favorite resources) https://www.si.edu/openaccess I played around with a couple images of crickets and then the background painting of a night sky. Anyway, i like the attitude of this guy. 

just accidentally listened to Crickets at 1.75x - what a wild experience. 
Still not sure if it's done.

yelling together + hockey + slut pop

The hockey game was great. i really enjoy moments where we (society, the masses) join together in a way where we can act as one such as in sporting events and concerts.
I love yelling in a crowd.
Our team won and there were like 5 or 6 fights. They ended the game like 30 seconds early since there had been a fight and immediately upon restarting, there was another fight, so it was a bit of a wild end. 

also our rink looks like this so it's a surreal vibe

had a late start to the day today, but I finished reading Ms Ice Sandwich. It felt very comfortable to me

Also more work on Crickets - mostly fixing the parts that sound awkward still. 

New songs liked this weekend:
PARTY ALL WEEK BITCH by Cortisa Star
a nested remix of PMS by Vze. It's the beverly hills mom remix of the Ayesha Erotica remix, or something like that
Watch Me by The Pom-Poms

I think i will explore The Pom-Poms more. kind of obsessed with their song STAR SPANGLED BANNER. gives me chills.

"I can sell pussy, I can sell plasma,

Still can’t afford to treat my man’s asthma
Still can’t afford to treat myself good
I’m on the street, breathing miasma"

thumbnails + spring in california

feeling much better today

I posted a video on my booktube channel about my creative projects from 2025. I've been having more fun making my thumbnails recently. thumbnails can be really love-hate for me, but the collage-style works better for me since I often forget to pose with a neutral-to-pleasant face for long enough to snag a good thumbnail. The video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4IVDaEtqtc

I'm also having a bit more fun thinking about how to market the thing that I really want to say and share rather than saying or sharing something that seems easy to market. 

Tonight I will be going to a minor league hockey game with some coworkers. very excited about that. 

I went to brunch today. California in the springtime is so beautiful. 

worked on the Crickets song. It's in a much better shape now. 

My drums are completely different than they were before

white noise + ready to sleep

was just editing a video that goes through my creative projects of the last year, mostly fanfics and music. 

I fell asleep while watching it through. that happens kind of a lot, that I fall asleep when doing a watch through of my own videos. I think partly because I watch it through fast and I've already listened to everything I said in detail while editing, so it just becomes white noise and knocks me out. 

For whatever reason, I cannot stop thinking about this video. Last night my husband and I even tried to figure out what the circumstances around this was. We looked at a map and everything

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DToNh4KCCX0/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA== 

still not feeling so well today. ready to sleep

low energy + nice comments

I'm not feeling super well today. Perhaps sick, perhaps just down. 

But I am happy that I've gotten a few comments on my fanfics today.

Last night, 10pm, this song popped into my head so I had to listen to it: 
https://youtu.be/S7QuKdzC9ZA?si=tNr-kUpueAfnmYkH

Yedin beni means "you consumed me" or "you ate me" 

i got a comment on this video (https://youtu.be/6TGAQXnDdqE?si=29g0kEWe7fBhLGiB) on my booktube channel about fanfiction 

As a fanfic writer of a little over ten years, fanfic is both a labor of love and also a struggle to Finish Writing The Thing the way you want it to turn out. The best feeling is when you find a small group of friends who also like the same things you do and you can just toss ideas around/ sit and discuss anything and everything about it. The only things stopping someone is time and energy really. Write whatever your heart desires no matter how Weird.

I have been feeling like i'm reaching out socially more recently - maybe the coming spring - but I don't have this small group of friends. I'm open to it happening 💚

niche fanfic + a signed book + vulgar music

posted a niche crossover fanfic yesterday and I got a lovely comment!

The fic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/78040246

It's if Maomao and Jinshi replaced Bee and Deckard and Maomao the cat replaced PuppyCat and they do temp work together, solving little puzzles. 

Anyway, I wrote it a few months back and just decided to do final edits and post it last night.

The comment got me inspired to write some more tonight, and I'm pretty happy with what I have so far.

Now, just imagine Jinshi in this apron:

I started reading Climate Justice and discovered the copy I'd picked up from a thrift store was signed by Mary Robinson, the former president of Ireland and author of the book.

How neat is that?

Almost forgot. listened to this song first thing in the morning and lost my mind with how vulgar it is.
https://youtu.be/dkgkazmDT0A?si=9n_8GZS4NfWkysNf

I listened to Thee Headcoatees back when I was in college but had never listened to this album. 

airport fashion + ballcaps

 I got obsessed with Stray Kids, the K-pop group, some months ago. I feel conflicted about the whole thing, really, but the fact remains that I did get obsessed.
One of the things I feel conflicted about is consuming videos of the members at the airport. I'm not thrilled to contribute to paparazzi at the airport bothering the members or anyone else who may be travelling at the same time. But I also tend to really enjoy their fashion. 

Some outfits I have thought about a lot are

I have been more into jean jackets and ballcaps and leopard print in my own fashion recently. 

I especially love a ballcap.

The algorithm has been serving me a lot of Formula 1 content lately, and there are a lot of good hats in F1. I got a Pirelli Singapore podium hat for my birthday last year because I thought it was so lovely. And my husband picked up the Texas Red Bull hat. 

There was a hat I wanted at an antiques store several months ago. I decided not to buy it at that time because I already had a hat (a Las Vegas 51s minor league baseball cap that I thrifted years ago). 

But I saw the hat at the antiques store again and decided to buy it because it had never really left my mind. I am very happy to have it now. I wear it a lot. 

antagonistic music + art + false spring

I got some song recs from someone on my booktube channel and THEY ARE SO GOOD AND ACCURATE TO ME. 
Couture by Epsyle (Walking Practice vibes for sure)
Im a Star by Juana Rozas & Six Sex
GIRL HELL 1999 by femtanyl
SIMP by Full Tac, Lil Mariko & Rico Nasty (which I listened to 5 or 6 times in a row as I washed off radishes in a wheelbarrow full of rainwater yesterday)

My husband recommended slam metal to me today
So I indeed listened to Flesh Cathedral by PeelingFlesh as I pruned my grapevines. (Noticed first fully opened bud on the plum tree today!) 

Evangelion continues. Saw this mug. Love this mug. 

Went to my favorite art gallery today and decided not to drop beaucoup bucks on this absolute masterpiece. It's too large. *cries in small house* 

posted chapter 17 of my fanfic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/67059565/chapters/173136517

and Hiked in the Woods. 

crickets + radishes + UI

I've been watching Neon Genesis Evangelion for the first time. I love the imaginings of UI presented and how failures of systems are portrayed.

Working on a song inspired by crickets. 

I have two bug songs completed. I'm finding the crickets a bit more slippery than worms or cicadas. (here's my cicada song: https://youtu.be/3EG3y-OUlHo?si=PbsKQ5m8me3Si2BB - as annoying as the real thing, I think.)

There's a rhythmic chaos to the crickets that I don't quite have a grip on yet.

 

finished Out in the Garden.
reading Ms. Ice Sandwich.
started Apothecary Diaries LN vol. 15 while grating radishes.

I make a radish ferment with red pepper flakes. The Apothecary Diaries was a nice companion as I prepared this ferment because I could imagine I was preparing medicines.